Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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