Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
