Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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