The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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