it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
