If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize