Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm getting married
To pizza
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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