Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
