The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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