already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
