My liver just broke up with me...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
