i wish my penis had a tongue
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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