ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
