i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
