Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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