I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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