You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Actions speak louder than pants.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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