I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
