You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
