I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
