I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize