If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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