on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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