Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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