Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
