just tell him i said nine months
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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