im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
