look no pants
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
