i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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