Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Please, let me fuck your mom
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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