worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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