I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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