did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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