call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
