I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize