saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
