I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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