I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
whose parrot is this?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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