i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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