I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize