it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
