Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
