Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
