and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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