After last night, I could never be a politician.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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