Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
