Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Randomize
