I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
only you would photoshop your dick
my being single is dangerous.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
