you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
