i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
