hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
