Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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