I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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