I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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