We need to start having sex underwater more often.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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