I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize