Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
